Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
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Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
WHY would you be happy about this?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.