Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
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Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”