Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
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*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I’m confused about plants
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.