Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
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Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.