Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.