Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
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“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Nice try, poison.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.