Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
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Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]