Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
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Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
If you need a laugh.. 😅
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single