Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.