Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
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HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism