Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
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[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
we all know this pain all too well
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.