look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
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Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!