Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
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[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
sigh