Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
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When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Wednesday
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*