“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
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*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!