“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
when you don’t want to be too vague
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.