Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
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TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
New favorite tiktok
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point