Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
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the rocks need my help
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly