Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
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The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?