look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
You Might Also Like
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”