“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.