“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
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Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
never ask a starfish for directions
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup