Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
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nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
my dog when i have a friend over
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
an airline just for babies.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
they really do be looking like this
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.