Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
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Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint