*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
You Might Also Like
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.