Looking at a guy in great shape: ๐ฅ๐ฅ
Looking at a girl in great shape: ๐๐
Looking at workout equipment: ๐
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this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
โAbout this postcard โHaving a wonderful time wish you were here.โ Why didnโt you want me to come with you in the first place?โ
โThen I would have had to reword it.โ
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I donโt know what he did wrong, but frankly, I donโt mind if he keeps doing it.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I get it Roomba, I canโt find my way out of the kitchen either.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldnโt work for a week.
unless youโre dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend heโs driving Lightning McQueen.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
When people ask me why Iโm wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say โI forgot to return a library book.โ
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with arenโt
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend itโs mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My husband doesnโt think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and Iโve never been so determined to prove him wrong.