Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

is he marrying that labradoodle

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

.. do you even science?

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?