*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
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what
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.