[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
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waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.