[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
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My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.