Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
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I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.