[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
You Might Also Like
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My patience has stretch marks.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.