@rebrafsim

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

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@audipenny

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

@weinerdog4life

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

@MikeBigby

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

@Laser_Cat

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

@UnFitz

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

@pplwtching

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

@carlyken

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

@GrantTanaka

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.