Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
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We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
SCARY COSTUME
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.