[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
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BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap