*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
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You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn