looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
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sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
“What movie?” 🤔
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…