Looking at you, Jesus.
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Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline