Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
You Might Also Like
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.