Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
You Might Also Like
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.