looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
You Might Also Like
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.