[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
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90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.