Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
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[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”