Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
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[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
still the best tweet of the year by far
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Well, this is awkward
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.