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I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.