Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
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I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
ok like just. call me at this point
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No