Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

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[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral


I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.


Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.


sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them


Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*


“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump


Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”


Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!