@AngelaEhh

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

@iamburtjarvis

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

@FailShark

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

@AmericanGent69

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

@FeverFlave

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

@Tbone7219

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

@SwissArmyWife00

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

@TheTweetOfGod

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

@abbycohenwl

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

@DearAuntAbby

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.