Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
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My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.