Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

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“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.


me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.


“What’s your name?”


“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*


*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?


Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry


I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.


Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars


Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.


Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over


Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.