looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
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I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Monday
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”