[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
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Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I’m going to need a moment here.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.