Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

What’s a Messi?

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

Me sliding into hell like