[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
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Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.