Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
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People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married