Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
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6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.