Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
blocked.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!