[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
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i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)