[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
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*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?